Q. I hope you can offer some help. I’m fourteen years old and my father died two years ago from cancer. He was only 52. My mother, my sister and I had a very hard time with his sickness and death. After a year my mom started dating and began to act like a boy crazy teenager, which was very hard for me and my sister to deal with. But now, even worse, she’s met someone who lives across the country and has been seeing him for many months now. They both travel back and forth and it’s getting serious. He’s a nice man and seems to really care about her, and he is nice to us, but because he has a medical practice where he lives, my mother has talked about us leaving our home and moving to the West Coast to be with him. Part of me is glad to see my mom happy again, but another, bigger part of me is so sad and confused. I miss my dad so much and wonder if he’s hurt that she’s moving on. I’m also freaked out by maybe having to leave everything I know to move someplace so far from home. I know it’s wrong to be selfish and tell my mom how upset I am. It might make her sad again. But I feel so sad, too, and am not sure where to turn. Can you help?
A. I’m terribly sorry for what you and your family have gone through. It’s so hard to lose a parent, especially so young. Watching your remaining parent go through the dating process again isn’t easy either. But it seems you realize that your mother is entitled to move on with her life and find another partner to share it with. Luckily she seems to have picked a good man. Unfortunately, his location does make things a lot more difficult for you and your sister. I’m a big believer in open communication, though, and I think it’s crucial that you have a calm and cordial conversation with your mother about your feelings. I’m sure she realizes that moving would be hard on you and your sister. Give her the chance to try to allay your fears. If you do it without hurtful comments or overwhelming emotion, I don’t think it will make her sad. It will just be calling attention to a very real concern of yours that needs to be discussed in a pragmatic way. You also don’t seem to know for sure if this move is even going to happen. You may be worrying before it’s even necessary. However, if your mother’s plans do come to fruition, you might be surprised by the new and wonderful people and opportunities that will come your way—things you can’t even conceive of now. And, with face-time, video conferencing, the internet, etc, you should be able to hold on to your old friends even as you meet new ones. The world has become a much smaller place during your lifetime thanks to technology! As for worrying about your father’s feelings, I have it on good authority that when loving souls pass, they only want their loved ones here on earth to be happy. If this new man turns out to be a good husband and stepfather, I can assure you your dad will rest a lot easier and be happy for all of you. In the meantime, have that little mother/daughter talk I mentioned, and if you get a chance, I’d love to know how it goes! Hugs to you.
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Your mom’s priority is to her children first. Seems she may not realize that. I sure hope you are all seeing a good therapist at this time. Traveling to see a boyfriend seems to be out of line. My heart goes out to you.
Thanks for your thoughts, Joe. The good news is that I have heard back from this thoughtful teen. Her mom is going to marry this man who has been wonderful not only to her mom, but to the girls. Although she is sad to leave the life she knows, she and her sister are being accepted with open arms into a new life they’ve been introduced to and all the great things she’ll experience there. You’ll be happy to know they are all in family therapy to help them through the adjustment. Sometimes the person who is meant for us unfortunately is not living in our own backyard, so I cannot fault her mother for finding new love in another state. Finding love at all is a blessing in this world, especially after such a tragedy. Life for everyone must go on, and happily, here, it will.
It is always hard to come to terms with losing a parent, particularly at such a young age and Bonnie and others here have given really sound advice and support. Time heals but the heart always remembers. When my brother-in-law suddenly died and found by his 18 year old son, my nephew spent many years dealing with the guilt and blaming himself and gave his mother such a hard time when when she started dating again. But gradually he learned that everyone is entitled to a life and companionship after losing someone. In time the daughter in question will understand and come to terms with such a tragic thing to have gone through.
Very true, Kit. It’s devastating but children usually grow to realize their remaining parent needs to continue living life. Thanks so much for your thoughts!
Lots of good advice from everyone!
Thanks, Anneli!
When you lose someone you love, there is a tremendous amount of guilt about enjoying life and being happy again. It’s hard enough to understand as adults, let alone as teenagers when there are so many emotions fighting for attention. It’s a long and difficult process and, as with most things, communicating one way or another is the key. Keep talking, keep reassuring. Lots of great advice here.
Very true, Sue. Guilt very much plays into this. And if we can find happiness after such tragedy, it has to be a wonderful gift we should embrace. Talking things out is definitely key. Thanks for your thoughts!
I understand how tough it can be. My dad went through a 6-year battle with Cancer. I know it’s hard to understand right now, but your Dad probably went through so much with his illness that your Mom probably said goodbye a long time ago. It’s rough to see it from that perspective being his daughter, but that’s how my mom explained it to me when I had a similar conversation with her not so long ago.
I’m sorry that yiu have to go through this. It’s a difficult thing, no matter what your circumstances. Good luck, honey.
Great insight, Stephanie. And probably very true. The human psyche works in strange (and often protective) ways. Sorry for your loss and for what your family went through for all that time. Thanks so much for sharing!
This is so reminiscent of when my dad died. I was twelve at the time. My dad was 55 and suffered a stroke as the result of a workplace injury. He lingered in a coma in hospital for a week after he was admitted. My mum went through the stage of acting like a boy crazy teen for a while then found someone to settle down with and they built a house together just outside the town where I grew up and still live. Even though I was happy that she’d found a nice guy, I coped by rebelling every chance I got for the next couple of years. They’d been together 40 years when my mum passed away two years ago.
I wish there was some magic word I could use that would take your pain away but the only thing there is to do that is time. Think back at the good times and that will help. It will be hard leaving your friends, but with Skype and social media, you’ll be able to keep in touch with your friends. Think of the move as an adventure. I’ve never been to the west side of Canada so must admit to being a bit envious that you’re getting the chance to experience it.
Thanks so much for your thoughts, Melanie! So sorry you went through it, too. Yes, sometimes when life presents things that seem scary, thinking of them as adventures can really bring a positive outlook.
I always feel sad when I read about young families having to face this kind of tragic loss. Bonnie, your advice is right on target and I hope the young woman hears your message clearly. Honest communication is the key to everyone’s happiness here. She sounds mature and sensitive and I hope that your guidance will go a long way to help sort through the complex emotions involved here.
Thanks, Patricia. Yes, she sounds very mature and sensitive and that will hopefully help her and her mom work things out.
A sad situation indeed, where there is no absolutely perfect solution, but life is always full of compromises, isn’t it? There are no ‘bad’ people here; nobody wants to hurt anyone else and ultimately, the love and understanding they have for each other will surely carry them through. I am sure this kind of emotional conflict must happen more and more, not just following a bereavement, but also where parents decide to split up. Mother and daughter both dating! It happens. Bonnie’s sensitive response show such empathy and consideration from all sides, that it would be hard to fault it.
Thanks Miriam! It’s true, it sounds like they are loving people who just need a little help and open communication to address this hurdle in their lives. And you’re right, divorce can also present similar problems. Thanks for your comment.
This is a difficult one. As Mandy say, death can sometimes be harder on the people left behind. Bereavement goes through stages but, even then, it’s not simply a case of that’s it, grief over. It does become more manageable as time passes, though, and you remember the good things. Bonnie’s point is a good one. Ask yourself, would you want those you leave behind to be happy? I’m sure you would, as I imagine your father would want you and your mum to be. Wouldn’t he want those he loved to be able to move on past the awful initial desolation and live their lives to the full? That doesn’t mean you have to forget him, however. Far from it, it often helps to keep a loved one’s memory alive, keeping some physical possession perhaps, as well as holding that person in your heart. A memory box, if you like, containing special things you can remember your father by, photographs and such like. Things that were personal to him, a watch maybe, a book possibly (I keep a soft toy, for instance, one which my mum was very attached to). These things often help you remember in a fond way as the years pass. Talking to your mum is paramount. From what you say, the man your mum is seeing sounds like a genuinely caring person. You mention a medical practice. Is he a doctor? Whatever his role, I imagine he has come into contact with people who are dealing with illness and loss. It could be that he would welcome you trusting him enough to share your memories, too. If you are not sure how to open a dialogue with your mum, do you have a teacher you could talk to initially? In the UK, we have The Child Bereavement Charity who support families through the aftermath of loss and help them move on. Could your school perhaps recommend a similar organisation where you could chat in confidence? You are obviously a very caring person, too. You say you are worried about making your mum sad, but wouldn’t it make her sad if she thought you were hurting and couldn’t confide in her? Choose a quiet moment, and ask if you can have a chat to her, I would. All very best to you.
Wonderful, constructive ideas, Sheryl! I don’t know if we have an equivalent organization in the U.S., but I’m sure there are groups available that can also be of help to her. Let’s hope she starts with a heart to heart with her mom and explores from there. Thanks so much!
What a heart rendering problem. I do think Bonnie’s advice was spot on and I would emphasise the ‘world being a smaller place now’ due to all the communication technology available to us. I think the daughter has to ‘think forward four years’ to when she will be eighteen and an adult herself. What if she then moves away to college or to university? If she puts her own needs in front of her mother’s now, how will she feel then, leaving behind a lonely mother who has perhaps let this one chance of happiness go by her?
Such a good point, Janice. Four teenage years can seem so long, but in the context of a lifetime’s happiness will seem much shorter in hindsight – if that makes sense! If the daughter leaves home herself, she could carry that guilt of putting pressure on her mother to forego her own chance of happiness, for a long time.
That’s exactly what I was thinking, Miriam. The teenage years are difficult enough without having the terrible burden of grief to deal with and all that entails. Everyone involved needs to be talking, listening, and seeking guidance when all else fails. How wonderful that she wrote to Bonnie for help. There’s no one better!
Such a good point, Janice! This young lady will probably feel a lot more comfortable going away to school if she knows her mother has a partner to live her life with. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with, too. Thanks for sharing!
That’s a tough one, Linn. I think Bonnie is right when she says it’s all about being open and honest and talking to each other. Also, there are degrees of moving on ~ it doesn’t have to be a wedding straightaway! If this man feels genuinely that his path will bring him (and ultimately his children) happiness, then he needs to consider how he can walk it without hurting his family. Does that make any sense?
His children are very young, which makes everything a lot harder in many ways. He more than does his share of looking after them and it gives him little time for himself. At the moment he is hesitant to even take the first step, but I agree that if he is happy (and can find someone who makes him happy) it’s best for the children too in the long run!
The people that are left behind after a death are the ones who are still suffering. That old saying ‘life goes on’ comes into play, but some are ready a lot sooner than others to start the recovery process. The person can never be replaced, by another, or by life going forward and it’s important to remember that, but not block new people in your life or new opportunities. Talking is often the first step and I think it’s incredibly brave and admirable that this person has shared their concerns. Speaking to a third party, someone not too close to the situation is often a good start. I did a lot of talking to the walls after my Granddad died. Does anyone else find talking out loud to no one in particular helps them?
So true, Mandy! It’s the ones left behind who suffer most. I always say I’m not afraid of dying, but I am terrified of my loved ones dying and leaving me here! I have to try your idea of talking out loud. It sounds therapeutic and I bet there’s at least one soul “up there” listening! Thanks for your thoughts.
Crumbs … thank goodness, I do it all the time. Except a little differently, because I actually believe I am talking to the loved ones around me. They just don’t happen to be in the here and now, but they are there! I think of it like this – if I’m wrong then what harm does it do? If I’m right, then I know it will be appreciated.
Completely agree with you, Linn!
What a conundrum! I hear the pain. My father, too, passed away after a long and debilitating illness and for me, it was heart-rending to see my Mum go through the agony of watching him die. I was a little older ~ almost 27 ~ so my outlook was a little different. I just wanted it all to end, as hard and cruel as that may sound. When he passed away, we were still all in shock and it took my Mum a long while to move on. But she has been building a new life for herself and I am glad at all the opportunities that have come her way since. For me, the strangest thing is that my father never had an opportunity to meet my husband, let alone my children. I sometimes wonder what he makes of us down here!
I love what Bonnie says about departed loved ones wanting us earthlings to be happy, and I believe that too. But maybe that’s difficult to take on board when you’re so young; I wonder if there’s a way of making that more tangible, more real?
Sorry for what you went through, Nicky! It’s not cruel to want suffering to be over. I strongly believe death is really a kind of rebirth. I hope this young lady can one day sense her father’s love and approval. Very hard for a teen I’m sure. Thanks for commenting!
I lost my father when I was 15, he also died of cancer. He was 53, and it had a huge impact on my life going forward. I didn’t shed any tears until I was 21. The saddest thing is that he will never share in my success or see his Grandchildren. My heart goes out to you.
So sorry, Harvey. Very difficult situation for a child to bear. I think you might be surprised though that he really does share in your success and know his grandchildren! Thanks for commenting.
This problem literally pulls on the heart-strings. I have a friend who was in a very similar situation, but in this case it’s the other way around and the father left in the situation of being on his own. His problem is that he’s scared to move on because of his children and what they might think. So he’s putting off moving forward. I wonder if that’s the right thing to do though?
It’s a tough one, Linn. I know lots of parents who feel that way, but is it right to sacrifice your own happiness? So much factors into it. Thanks for your thoughts.
Isn’t it ironic Bonnie that human nature is to carry guilt? Guilt for what we do, guilty for what we don’t do. I hope my friend finds a way to move on because the children won’t be young forever and at some point he will have to have a bit of a ‘life’ of his own. And I totally agree with what you say in response to Harvey, his father will know and be so proud. That’s the wonderful thing….