Q. My boyfriend and I are in our twenties and have been together for almost five years. We’ve always had an exciting and inventive sex life, but recently he’s been expressing a new fantasy that he seems eager to make a reality. The problem is I’m afraid it may be too adventurous for me because it involves a third person, and not for a ménage a trois. He wants to secretly watch me with another man of our choosing. The thought of this kind of freaks me out, especially when we discuss it OUT of bed when my brain is functioning properly. I don’t want to disappoint him since the idea really gets him going, but I’m concerned it will change things between us (though I’m not sure why). It’s not like I haven’t been with other men before him, but it’s been a long time since then, and something about this frightens me even if I can’t put my finger on it. What do you think?
A. Usually, my thoughts about sex between two consenting adults, is that if what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom doesn’t hurt anyone then it’s fine. In your case though, one of the adults is clearly reluctant to consent, and therein lies the problem. I realize that we now live in an age where sex is everywhere and, largely thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey, is more acceptably taken to extremes. It is only the people involved in the sex act though, that can say whether something is extremely hot and sexy, or if it is perversion. Each couple must decide for themselves. That said, the fact that you are so uncertain about this should not make you feel bad. I’m willing to bet most women in monogamous relationships would, at the very least, be hesitant, especially if the man the two of you pick is not aware he is being watched. When another person is involved in your sex life, you suddenly have an unknown quantity, and that can be dodgy. In fact, that element can become a danger to both you and your boyfriend should the man find out and become angry. Deceit is always wrong. As for your fear that it will change your relationship, I think that is valid. If you reluctantly agree to something you are uneasy with, there is a chance that you may later become resentful of your boyfriend for egging you into it. My advice is to share your concerns with him. Tell him you are uncomfortable with enacting this particular sexual adventure. Let him know there could be unforeseen consequences neither of you have considered. If your relationship is a loving and respectful one, he will abide by your feelings and stop pressuring you about it. Then you can keep this particular fantasy exactly that—a fantasy.
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