Q. I am a single mother and I have a 16-year-old son who has just broken up with his 15-year-old girlfriend. They were practically attached at the hip for eight months. Two weeks ago he found out that she’s been cheating on him (though I can’t imagine where she found the time!) They had a big fight and he broke up with her. Since then he’s been distraught, cannot concentrate on his studies, has been holed up in his room and is disinterested in going out with his friends. I told him that anyone who lies and cheats is not what he should want in a girl, but he got upset and told me he really loves her. I told him everyone goes through this and that I empathize with his feelings, but he’s been taking out his misery on me with a lot of anger. He thinks I don’t understand what he’s going through. I’m not sure anymore what to say or do. It’s times like this that I really wish he had a father to talk to. What do you think I should do?

A. I sympathize with both of you! First love practically guarantees first heartache, but although it’s true that we’ve all been through it, a teenager will never believe you really understand what he’s feeling. Any negative comments about his girlfriend, no matter how true, will just make him defend her and his choice of seeing her. As hard as it is to keep from giving advice or offering the wisdom of your experience, the best thing to do is just offer your love and support and let him know that as painful as it is now, it will get better with time. If he continues treating you angrily, know that he needs to get it out of his system and you may be the only one he can safely vent on. That too will pass. Let him know you are always ready to listen if and when he wants to talk. Try to encourage his studies without yelling at him. If there is a man in his life whom he trusts and respects, ask him if he might want to share his feelings with the man, but don’t push him if he doesn’t. You may think he needs fatherly advice more than he does. In the meantime, take solace in the fact that your son is capable of tender feelings for another. Now he just has to learn to make wiser decisions and that’s something best learned from his own experience. Good luck to both of you and I hope his heart mends quickly!

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Are you entertaining the idea of tying the knot, but find that something (or many things) is weighing on your mind? Is there an uneasy feeling in your gut that the person you’re thinking of marrying may not be the right match for you? Sometimes people who experience this are merely manifesting inner fears about commitment or blowing irrational worries out of proportion. If this is so, then with time, communication and/or therapy those fears can be assuaged. Unfortunately though, there’s often a good reason for that niggling feeling, and yet so many of us disregard the warning signs and speed into “ever after” head on.

After living through such a scenario myself, and having friends and relatives suffer through it, too, I’ve devised five really bad reasons to get hitched in hopes I may ward off someone else’s marital disaster. So, why do you want to get married?

1. Because it’s “time” already.

You mean you’re over thirty and you’re still not married? What does that say about you? Well, for one thing, it probably says you haven’t found the right mate to settle down with (or you may not be ready to settle down at all!) Does that mean you should grab the current guy or gal in your life and do it anyway? Sure, if you’re looking forward to a life of unhappiness and dissatisfaction. There is no such thing as “time to get married” until you deem it so, and if you fall into one of the above categories, that time hasn’t yet come.

2. Because other people think it’s a good idea.

A wise woman once told me that it’s very easy to break up with someone else’s mate. Sure, an outsider can see all the problems, isn’t emotionally involved, so to them, breaking up is a cakewalk. Well, in that same vein, it’s very easy to marry someone else’s mate, too. After all, the bystander is not the one who has to live with them on a daily basis for the rest of their life, so watching you get married may sound like a lovely, romantic notion—to them. At thirty-six, I married the wrong man and have to say much of the reason was the cheering section of friends and relatives who just wanted to see me married already, whatever their individual reasons. When you have misgivings and are surrounded by that kind of pressure, you can easily begin to mistrust your own feelings and conclude that since others think it’s a good idea, maybe you’re just being silly. You’re not! If only I had been strong and secure enough to trust my gut, I never would have made that awful mistake. But then, I wouldn’t have been able to write my first novel, WEDLOCKED, either!

3. Because you’re dying to have a big, beautiful wedding!

At thirty-six you can imagine how eager I was to plan the wedding of century. And I did. To this day I have friends and relatives tell me it was the best and most beautiful wedding they’ve ever been to. They recall it fondly. Well guess what? It was a horror show for me! Deep down I knew something was wrong and believe it or not, my husband and I spent much of the day snapping at each other. Not surprisingly, we were divorced soon after, but I had my big, beautiful wedding. Is that really how you’d like yours to go? If you don’t marry Mr. or Ms. Right, it just might. Instead, why not watch a few episodes of Bridezilla to stave off any premature wedding dreams. It’s funnier, a lot less arduous, and a whole lot cheaper, too!

4. Because you think your mate will change.

As my sister would say, “yeah, right, sure.” And if they do, nobody tells you it’s because they’re going to get worse. If you think a marriage certificate is somehow a magical document that will zap all your mate’s problematic behaviors away, you’re in for a rude awakening. Chances are good that the security of a contract will make them even more comfortable “being themselves,” and if that’s not a good thing, you’re in for trouble! A leopard doesn’t change its spots, and neither will your new spouse.

5. Because you want a baby…now!

This is the worst and most dangerous reason to get married when you’re not completely sure you’re doing the right thing. Unfortunately, it’s also the most compelling. A ticking time clock is a force to be reckoned with, which is why it so often leads to disastrous decision-making. I can’t tell you how many people I know who married the wrong mate because they were afraid their childbearing years were coming to an end. In this day and age, you don’t have to involve anyone else in your decision to have a baby, so why enter into a precarious marriage? Children can sense when their parents’ relationship isn’t a positive one, and I firmly believe one happy parent is better than two miserable ones. If you think you can always get divorced, think about this: you’ll most likely have to deal with this ex-spouse for the rest of your life because the two of you share one or more children. If you think that’s easy after a divorce, I have a bridge downtown to sell you. If I had been dumb enough to have kids with my first husband, I’d have had to have him knocked off. Then, I’d be writing to you from a jail cell instead of my comfy home office.

So if you’re teetering on the edge of making a decision about marriage, I suggest some thorough introspection first.  Either you’ll realize you’re doing the right thing, or your head will figure out what your gut already knows.

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Q. I hope you can offer some help. I’m fourteen years old and my father died two years ago from cancer. He was only 52. My mother, my sister and I had a very hard time with his sickness and death. After a year my mom started dating and began to act like a boy crazy teenager, which was very hard for me and my sister to deal with. But now, even worse, she’s met someone who lives across the country and has been seeing him for many months now. They both travel back and forth and it’s getting serious. He’s a nice man and seems to really care about her, and he is nice to us, but because he has a medical practice where he lives, my mother has talked about us leaving our home and moving to the West Coast to be with him. Part of me is glad to see my mom happy again, but another, bigger part of me is so sad and confused. I miss my dad so much and wonder if he’s hurt that she’s moving on. I’m also freaked out by maybe having to leave everything I know to move someplace so far from home. I know it’s wrong to be selfish and tell my mom how upset I am. It might make her sad again. But I feel so sad, too, and am not sure where to turn. Can you help?

 A. I’m terribly sorry for what you and your family have gone through. It’s so hard to lose a parent, especially so young. Watching your remaining parent go through the dating process again isn’t easy either. But it seems you realize that your mother is entitled to move on with her life and find another partner to share it with. Luckily she seems to have picked a good man. Unfortunately, his location does make things a lot more difficult for you and your sister. I’m a big believer in open communication, though, and I think it’s crucial that you have a calm and cordial conversation with your mother about your feelings. I’m sure she realizes that moving would be hard on you and your sister. Give her the chance to try to allay your fears. If you do it without hurtful comments or overwhelming emotion, I don’t think it will make her sad. It will just be calling attention to a very real concern of yours that needs to be discussed in a pragmatic way. You also don’t seem to know for sure if this move is even going to happen. You may be worrying before it’s even necessary. However, if your mother’s plans do come to fruition, you might be surprised by the new and wonderful people and opportunities that will come your way—things you can’t even conceive of now. And, with face-time, video conferencing, the internet, etc, you should be able to hold on to your old friends even as you meet new ones. The world has become a much smaller place during your lifetime thanks to technology! As for worrying about your father’s feelings, I have it on good authority that when loving souls pass, they only want their loved ones here on earth to be happy. If this new man turns out to be a good husband and stepfather, I can assure you your dad will rest a lot easier and be happy for all of you. In the meantime, have that little mother/daughter talk I mentioned, and if you get a chance, I’d love to know how it goes! Hugs to you.

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Q. I have a friend who has been my friend since childhood, but isn’t a very good one. She is selfish (always makes me do the traveling when we see each other; insists I come to her events but always has an excuse why she can’t come to mine), sometimes says things that hurt my feelings, but says she only means it for my own good (like telling me about a party I wasn’t invited to so I’ll know not to invite that person if I ever have one; or that someone is saying bad things about me behind my back). My husband doesn’t like her, but puts up with her because he knows how long we’ve been friends. A few times I tried to tell her I didn’t want to see her and told her why, but then I feel guilty, and we always end up seeing each other eventually. I guess it’s because she’s like a family member that I can’t imagine not having in my life at all. What do you think I should do?

A. It’s pretty clear that you realize this so-called friend is only a negative influence, yet you choose to continue having her in your life just because you’ve known her a long time? This is very faulty reasoning. Whether you realize it or not, you are one half of a parasitic relationship. She controls and takes advantage—and you relent and complain. Not healthy! You asked for my advice, and here it is. It’s up to you to end things and be definitive about it. Whether or not a person is a longtime fixture in your life should not be the deciding factor on whether or not you keep spending (wasting!) time with them. If they are a family member, there may be more reason to get along since you’re likely to see them at family events. But you are lucky enough to have the advantage of not being related by blood. You’re husband doesn’t like her and you don’t like her, yet you travel long distances to see her? As my niece would say, “What’s up with that?” Is it possible that you have some masochistic tendencies? Are there signs of this in any other part of your life? Have you ever spoken to a therapist about it? Just some food for thought. In the meantime, I say you make up your mind to rid yourself of this toxic person and then DO IT! No more trips to see her for more punishment. No more phone calls (if you don’t already have it, caller ID can be very helpful). And no more feeling guilty for not taking abuse—from her or from anyone! If you can pull this off, you will be happier, freer, healthier and stronger for it. It’s all up to you.

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Q. I’m afraid my ex-wife is going to wreck my new marriage. She’s not your typical ex-wife. She happens to be a vicious, nasty, and miserable woman who looks to bring everyone down to her level. I’m concerned she’s beginning to succeed with me and my new wife of one and a half years. Lest you think she may be acting this way because I remarried, you should know that this is the reason I left in the first place five years ago (that’s right, she’s still punishing me). The way she accomplishes this is by using my two kids (8- and 10-year-old girls) to come between me and my wife. I have to say, she’s an expert manipulator and manages to cause fights simply by turning my children into her pawns. She’s poisoned them against my wife and is trying to turn them against me too (with some success). I try everything I can to not put my kids in the middle, but she drags them back in since she knows she has control over them and their actions. If they do not do her bidding, they are punished, too, and she’s a scary person to cross, especially for a youngster. Thanks to my ex, the kids often don’t come over when they are supposed to, or spend time with me and my wife for holidays. Therefore, when I do have the chance to see them (usually because my ex has something else to do) and we have other plans already, I want to drop everything to make sure that happens. My wife doesn’t agree and says she refuses to live her life at my ex’s whims. When we have plans, my wife wants to stick with them. I have to say, she has been incredible in the face of this nightmare, but lately I feel she’s backing away from wanting to see the kids at all. This is causing a bit of a rift between us and I’m not sure what the right thing to do is anymore. They are the only thing we really fight about. The girls are still my daughters and if it wasn’t for their mother, I know they’d have a great relationship with my wife, since she’s a wonderful and loving person. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

A. Oh boy. If I had a dime for every person I’ve heard of with a similar problem to yours, I’d be a very rich woman right now! Parental alienation is quite the epidemic these days, unfortunately, and it is so sad for the children as well as the adults faced with such ugly adversity. It’s truly amazing what one determined and twisted person can accomplish when they put their mind to it. Often, our first response is to be drawn into the fight and the drama (especially when children are involved). From what I understand, though, that ultimately is a losing battle when you are dealing with a person who is willing to hurt her own children in order to accomplish her goals. Also, if your court system is anything like the incompetent and corrupt one we have here in Nassau County, it will be a big waste of your time and money to drag her into court. It’s important to realize that the more you let your ex cause you grief, the bigger the wedge will become between you and your new wife. Therefore, as hard as you may think it is to not see your kids sometimes, the better off you are in giving in and not supplying your ex with the fight she is angling for, as well as reasons to use, manipulate, and hurt the kids. I have to say that I definitely do not blame your new wife for having the feelings she has. She’s only human and probably knows that anything she says or does will be used against her by the kids’ mother. That’s no way to start a new marriage. She is also right that she shouldn’t have her social life dependent upon the machinations of a vengeful woman. If you value your new relationship, and want to ensure it blossoms, you are going to have to grant it priority. This means not letting your old “baggage” crush the prospects of a happy new life. Your wife married you in spite of it, and I imagine that is a testament to how much she loves you. Right now, your kids are too young to realize what their mother is all about, but chances are good they will one day figure it out. In the meantime, just be consistent and loving and let them know that you are always ready to see them during the times you have been awarded visitation, or with proper notification, but that you can’t upend your life at a moment’s notice by their mother, because it isn’t fair to you. Never bring your wife into such a conversation, as it will only be used against her. If you want to gain the respect of those you cherish, it’s very important that both your children and your new wife see that you are not a pushover who can be controlled by your ex. Set a good example for them. As the kids get older, they will hopefully realize that you are their truly loving parent, and will choose to spend more time with you instead of the toxic environment of your ex’s home. Your wife needs to know that you are healthy enough to shut down the negativity of your past and embrace a love-filled future with her. So can your ex wreck your new marriage? Only if you let her!

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Q. Is it just me or do other people’s husbands/boyfriends think romance is just another word for sex? No matter how many times I try to explain to my husband that romance means doing thoughtful things for one another, he just never seems able to make any gestures that could be described as “romantic.” I don’t need jewelry, or the cliché flowers and candy (although on occasion that’d be nice), but my husband just doesn’t seem to be interested, even knowing how much it means to me. He thinks “date night” is code for sex and nothing more. I understand he’s never been the romantic type, and he’s a wonderful husband otherwise, but knowing how much I long for it, shouldn’t he at least be making an effort? We’ve only been married for four years, but this makes me feel like maybe he just doesn’t love me in a way that inspires romance, and that thought is very upsetting to me. What do you think I should do?

A. Having been out on the dating scene for many years myself before marrying, I observed that there are many men who can be very thoughtful and creative in the romance department. Interestingly, I never felt that comfortable around them because the gestures seemed so contrived and empty to me when I was just getting to know someone. Perhaps that’s why I always gravitated toward less romantic men. The problem with that is that when you are in love with someone, and know them well, romance means much more. If you’ve picked a man who is romantically challenged, you’re kind of out of luck in that department. It’s like expecting him to suddenly start talking French when you’ve always known he has no affinity for other languages. I think being romantic is either in a person’s makeup or it isn’t.

What’s most important, though, is realizing that romantic ineptitude is not a sign that he doesn’t love you enough. It’s just a sign that you married a more pragmatic and possibly less imaginative man. If the rest of your relationship is going well, as you’ve intimated, I say you surprise him with a few romantic plans and actions, whether it be leaving an affectionate card in his briefcase, going to a cozy restaurant with great ambiance, splitting a great bottle of wine in the middle of the week, anything that you might feel you are missing in your life. If you show him what romance looks like, he’ll be more likely to get the picture—and it may be easier for him to duplicate on his own. In the meantime, focus on all his good traits, which in the long run, are probably a lot more crucial to a solid relationship.

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Q. I’m 26 years old, have my own apartment, a good job, and I’ve been seeing someone for five months. We are getting along very well and things are getting serious in a “I think we may end up together way.” I haven’t had much luck with dating before this relationship so I’m very excited about it. My problem is that I have a very sweet, 4 year old cat who I love dearly and who, unfortunately, my boyfriend is allergic to. Therefore, we spend most of the time at his apartment or out, even though I love being home and miss my cat terribly when I’m away. He doesn’t dislike cats, but because he’s always been allergic, he hints that he could never live with one. Sometimes he throws out ideas as to who might be able to take her and give her a good home. I can’t imagine ever giving up my cat. She’s my baby. But the thought of giving up my only good relationship is heartbreaking, too. Was wondering about your thoughts on the matter?

A. Well, your story could practically have been mine, so today I’m speaking from personal experience. When I started dating my husband, I knew he was allergic to cats and had been all his life. In fact, he’d been hospitalized as a child from an allergy attack. This didn’t stop him from visiting my apartment despite the fact that my cat, Nikki, was always there to greet him. He came over armed with allergy medication, and when he needed a break from the dander, he’d step outside for a few minutes. This went on for many months, and guess what? Slowly but surely, he became more and more tolerant of my cat, to the point that all three of us eventually moved in together. My husband fared just fine, with some allergy issues here and there (always during allergy season) that he treated with medication. He also had a great attitude about it. Of course this may have been due to the fact that he knew there was about as much of a chance of me giving up my cat, as a snowball would have in you-know-where! But he also happens to love animals so I think his positive outlook helped, and believe it or not, we now have four cats and a dog and he no longer takes allergy medicine! Living with the animal you are allergic to is tantamount to having allergy shots (and by the way, shots are always another option.)

So my personal thoughts on the matter are these: Don’t you dare give your cat away! She’s your baby and she loves you, too! At this point, as much as you care for your boyfriend, you don’t know what your future with him will be. You’ve only known him for five months. And, if you eventually give her up, there’s a good chance you will grow to resent him for it. Let him know this might be the case, and let him read my story so he knows being allergic to a cat isn’t necessarily something that’s written in stone. When I think of the people who’ve given up their beloved cats or dogs for this reason, it saddens me that they do not realize there are other options and possibilities. Tell him you want him to spend time at your apartment, and with your cat, too (and have allergy medicine waiting!) Discuss all of this with him and examine how he reacts to your feelings. It might be very telling. In my case, seeing the sacrifice my husband made for me was one of the reasons I fell in love with him—and just one of the reasons I knew he was “Mr. Right.”

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Since the 1950s, when Doris Day set the sexual standard for women, other, bolder females have attempted to hack the sexual taboo down to size. In the 60s, Helen Gurley Brown’s Sex and the Single Girl exploits turned the tide in a decidedly less prudish direction. By the 90s, Candace Bushnell’s Sex and the City escapades practically decimated the taboo with an audacious, ribald look at the sexual ups, downs, and all-arounds of single people in the Big City.

A roller coaster always makes for fascinating observations, which is probably why there aren’t many books, television shows, or movies that explore the ‘wild’ world of sex after marriage. Not known for its high drama, romantic fervor, or sizzling heat quotient, sex between a married couple is usually more about love, affection, and comfort. A boring prospect you might think, especially if you’ve become addicted to the thrill of that undulating roller coaster. But if you’re ready to disembark, and settle down to a more grounded sexual lifestyle like marriage, you’ll still find a few ups and downs waiting for you.

Unfortunately, the first “down” occurs at the wedding ceremony. When a couple vows to love, honor, and cherish, they’re also expected to embrace the daunting idea that they will never again have sex with anyone else in this lifetime (a notion that for many people hangs new hope on the scientific data supporting reincarnation). I suggest you not try to grasp the enormity of that concept too quickly, as it may force you to prematurely bolt from the chapel like a bat out of you-know-where, much to the embarrassment of your parents, your spouse-to-be, and your baffled guests.

However, if you bite your tongue and successfully make it to the other side of the marital fence, you will find that sex does change after the vows are exchanged—if not immediately, then soon after. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. With every change (even the seemingly negative ones) there are new possibilities for “ups”—unexpected developments where you find serendipitous satisfaction.

It helps not to have too many preconceived expectations about sex after marriage. I purposely kept mine to a minimum, not really letting my mind “go there” for fear it would never come back. Luckily, my husband’s expectations were also kept in check as he’d been married before for ten years. As it turned out, our moderate expectations put less stress on our relationship, and neither of us felt we had to live up to some unrealistic pre-marital standard. With the knowledge that we were now going to be together every night, we could relax. If one night wasn’t convenient, there was always the next.

Although this idea causes some couples to take each other for granted, and therefore experience less romance in their lives, this new, cozier brand of sex can also lead to an unexpected “up”: spur-of-the-moment romance. Having each other around a good deal of the time means you don’t have to do an awful lot of arduous planning. You can be as impulsive as you want when the “moment” strikes you, and this can mean more romance, more often.

There is also a lot to be said for the comfort level involved in marital sex. It allows for more trust, openness and creativity—all things that can help you keep romance endlessly interesting and lead to a very gratifying sex life—even without the help of 50 Shades of Gray!

Admittedly, being together all the time within the “sanctity of marriage” doesn’t sound overly passionate. When the urgency goes out of sex, sometimes some of the zing does too. But if you keep your mind and your imagination open, you may find yourself on a journey to new discoveries in marital bliss you never would have envisioned as a “swinging single” on that roller coaster. And this new path may be a lot easier on your stomach.

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Q. About two months ago, my boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me. He told me that usual line of wanting to stay friends because he thought I’m such a great person. When I asked why he didn’t want to stay together, he didn’t really have an answer and kind of hemmed and hawed about us not being right together. This was so surprising to me because I love him and thought he was the man I would marry (I’m almost 30). I had all sorts of fantasies about our life together, our kids, and much more. I’ve been completely devastated since the break up, have lost almost ten pounds, and feel horribly depressed. I can’t move forward because I feel so beaten up, still love him, and can’t imagine letting anyone else reject me. Most of my past breakups were mutual or just not relationships that mattered to me. This one’s different. I keep praying he’ll change his mind and come back to me. I play the song “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dayne over and over again. I’ve called him a few times just “as a friend” and he’s always nice, but just distant. What do you think I should do?

A. I’m sorry you are in so much pain. I think most people have been in your place at least once, some several times in their lives. It’s so easy to fall into a miserable rut, but don’t let that happen. Realize that just because someone we love rejects us that does not make us unlovable! In fact, it may just mean that they picked up on incompatibilities that you have yet to see. When I look back on my similar situation, I feel relieved that he broke up with me, because now I see how wrong we ultimately were for each other. I’m living the life with my husband that I was meant to live, and I cherish each day.

When feelings are not mutual, you have to have a stern talk with yourself and start pushing thoughts and fantasies about that individual from your mind. Hanging on and waiting for him to return is a big mistake. So is calling him for any reason right now. You must move on with your life believing the relationship is over and opening your heart to new prospects. You can’t approach future relationships with fear of rejection, or it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Be confident! If you feel you need more time to grieve before dating again, then get busy with your friends, work, hobbies, anything that doesn’t remind you of your ex. Since you’ve lost ten pounds, treat yourself to some ice cream or whatever food you love. And please stop playing that song! It’s lovely, but its sentiments are not realistic in life. If you want to listen to music, switch to Bonnie Raitt’s Silver Lining CD. That’s what helped get me through my tough time. Hang in there, as time passes, your depression about him will lift, and your love life will look a lot more promising!

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Q. My wife and I have been married for almost five years. I have a sweet, nine year old daughter from a previous marriage (I share custody with her mother). My wife has no children, but very much wants them. Unfortunately, we have had no luck in this endeavor. It seems to me that with each passing year, my wife has gotten more and more frustrated with this fact and she’s been taking out her resentment on my daughter. It’s not a blatant thing and she’s not abusive to her at all, but she never wants to be around her. When they are together, no matter how hard my daughter tries to win her over, my wife acts very cool and aloof toward her. I’ve discussed this with my wife a few times and she’s told me she can’t help the way she feels. We both travel a lot for work, so we spend a good deal of time apart. When I’m home, I want to see my daughter as much as I can but always feel uncomfortable knowing it will cause a problem with my wife. Therefore I try to spend as much time with my daughter when my wife is away as possible. Any suggestions on the best way to handle this?

A. Take it from a stepmom who has endured her share of heartache from her three stepchildren (thanks to their hostile mother): being a stepmom is no picnic in the park. However, in your case, your daughter seems to be very accepting of your wife and it saddens me to think she’s being rejected through no fault of her own. I beg to differ with you regarding your assessment of what constitutes abuse. When a parent figure acts cold and aloof to a child who clearly wants a loving relationship, that is a form of emotional abuse. Your wife should be grateful to have a stepchild who wants her love. So many stepmoms suffer through the exact opposite situation. Aside from this, she knew going into a marriage with you that she was getting a part-time stepdaughter in the bargain. If she didn’t want to deal with that fact, she never should have said “I do.”

Your wife’s issues, frustrations, etc. have nothing to do with your daughter’s personality or actions, so as the adult in this equation, she should know better than to misplace her feelings on an innocent child. She may not be able to “help the way she feels,” but she can surely help the way she acts. Wanting a child of your own and not being able to have one is heartbreaking, but hurting a child who is already here because you haven’t dealt with your feelings productively, is inexcusable. Quite frankly, her actions and attitude make me doubt she would have the emotional maturity to be a good mother to her own children.

As for you, it’s great that you spend lots of time with your daughter when your wife is away, but that relationship shouldn’t revolve around your wife’s travel itinerary! Your wife needs to deal with her irrational feelings, jealousy, and heartache in a productive way if your marriage is going to be a healthy one. You haven’t mentioned if you two have consulted a marriage counselor or if she’s been in therapy, but I recommend both in this case. If you have the financial means, ask her to go to marriage counseling with you because what has been going on is detrimental to the family as a unit. I’d also suggest she see a good counselor on her own to work out her personal issues. If she refuses these options, then you have to decide whether living with this damaging situation is something you want for yourself and your child—or if ending the marriage is the best answer for all of you.

If you would like Bonnie to offer some advice on your personal relationship issue, contact her at

loveahappyending.com@gmail.com

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Q. I’ve been married to my husband for sixteen years. We’ve had our ups and downs, but lately things have been boring and routine between us and I’ve been feeling kind of depressed about that. We have one 13 year-old daughter. I joined Facebook a few years ago and have connected with a lot of old friends from school. I also connected with a man who I never dated but did have a major crush on in high school. He’s now divorced and we’ve struck up an internet friendship. I’m nervous to say that my old feelings for him are still there, only now, they’re mutual. He told me he always “wondered” about me. Recently, we exchanged cell phone numbers and spoke and we had a great banter with lots of flirting. It made me feel so excited and happy again. Now he wants to get together with me, just for lunch. I so want to go, but of course I’m scared to death of seeing him (even innocently) on the sly. What do you think I should do?

A. Ah yes, good ole Facebook. Memberships should come with warnings about things like this, since from what I hear, your story is hardly uncommon. Before you do anything you may quickly live to regret, please give the following some deep thought. There’s no such thing as meeting someone you are attracted to “innocently” if it’s on the sly from your husband. You are just making it that much easier to forge a physical relationship with this other man. How would you feel if your husband found out and immediately moved for a divorce? How would you feel if your 13-year-old daughter learned that your infidelity led to the break-up of her parents? We all know what pillars of emotional stability adolescent girls are during the best of times, right?

First and foremost, examine your feelings for your husband. Do you still love him, or are those feelings long gone? Imagine not having him in your life. Do you feel liberated or heartbroken? If things are not right between you, but warm feelings still exist, the answer is not lunch with an old flame; it’s more likely couples’ therapy. You may fantasize that the grass would be greener if you were to be with this other man, but remember, you were in high school, a time when crushes often meant infatuation, not love. Flirting and witty repartee couldn’t possibly reveal much about who this man is today—except, of course, that he’s eager to hook up with a married woman. Oftentimes, that’s a clear sign of commitment-phobia, something else for you to consider if you are looking for a more serious relationship in the future.

My advice: Do not meet this man for lunch or for any other reason. Focus on your marriage and if it’s worth saving. Sometimes, when two people want it, and put in the effort, they can reinvent their marriage in beautiful ways. Finding each other again, can be exciting, too. But if, down the line, you decide you truly no longer wish to be married to your husband, then do things the right way. Have a heart to heart with him about it and begin divorce proceedings before even thinking about being with another man. Living your life honestly is good for the soul. It helps you sleep at night—and like who you see in the mirror every morning. And remember, igniting an old flame doesn’t necessarily mean candlelight; it may mean an inferno.

If you would like Bonnie to offer some advice on your personal relationship issue, contact her at

loveahappyending.com@gmail.com

To find out more about Bonnie visit:

Author page: http://loveahappyending.com/bonnie-trachtenberg/

Author Website: http://www.bonnietrachtenberg.com/
Author Blog: http://www.BonnieTrachtenberg.com/Bonnies-blog
Author Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/BonnieTrachtenberg
Novel Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/Wedlocked
Twitter A/c @writebrainedny: https://twitter.com/#!/writebrainedny

1. If you are always unsure if he cares for you, there’s probably good reason to worry. Now I’m not talking to the women out there who are irrationally insecure. I’m talking to women with normal to above average self-esteem, who just never know what their men are thinking or feeling with regards to their relationship. Maybe he’s stoic, the strong, silent type, but one thing I learned is that if a man can’t ever express his feelings in words or deeds, then there’s a good chance he’s just not capable of the healthy give and take of successful relationships. It took one of my boyfriends three years to finally tell me he loved me. Of course this was only prompted by a break up, and his lonely, two week trip through the wilds of Alaska. Needless to say this relationship never got to commitment and it’s a good thing, as we surely would have ended up a divorce statistic.

2. If things aren’t good now, they are only going to get worse. Nothing else spells doom like hearing a friend say that her bad relationship is going to be ratcheted up a few notches with an engagement. Why is it we so often kid ourselves that pushing harder to make our already deficient connection with someone more serious will miraculously turn it into a positive bond? Pushing will not take your relationship into healthy territory—it will probably edge it off the side of a cliff. My protagonist Rebecca in Wedlocked and I both learned this hard way!

3. When you start losing sight of yourself, you are with the wrong person. I remember taking stock of my life after I’d broken off a five year relationship with a very controlling and emotionally closed off man. I could barely recognize myself. I had let him suck out the energy that made me who I am, and I suddenly felt so out of touch with the true Bonnie; it shook me to my core. How could I not see what was happening for all those years? Maybe because he had drained me slowly, the level of my individuality sinking at a rate that was barely noticeable, but eventually cumulative. I remedied this quickly, signing up for ballet lessons, volunteering on a political campaign, spending quality time with good friends and doing what I knew made Bonnie, Bonnie!

4. If you find yourself drifting away from good friends, something’s wrong. Now I’m happy to say I was smart enough and strong enough never to lose friends over any man, but I have seen both women and men turn their backs on the support system they’d once enjoyed because the “mate” in their life egged them to do just that—and not necessarily in an obvious way. When someone manipulates you into isolating yourself from supportive friends and family, it’s because they are threatened by them. If they are threatened by them, then they are extremely insecure and not able to sustain a healthy relationship. Take this as a definite sign that you need to disengage and move on!

5. If things aren’t right, then breaking up sooner rather than later is always in your best interest. It’s pretty common for people to keep deficient mates in their life way past the statute of limitations good sense has for a bad relationship. But ask yourself these questions: Is familiarity keeping you together? Empty promises? Idealistic dreams? Or maybe, just plain and simple fear of the unknown? If so, take hold of the reins and hurdle past your dead end affair—it may just open the door to Mr. or Ms. Right!

If you would like Bonnie to offer some advice on your personal relationship issue, contact her at

loveahappyending.com@gmail.com

To find out more about Bonnie visit:

Author page: http://loveahappyending.com/bonnie-trachtenberg/

Author Website: http://www.bonnietrachtenberg.com/
Author Blog: http://www.BonnieTrachtenberg.com/Bonnies-blog
Author Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/BonnieTrachtenberg
Novel Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/Wedlocked
Twitter A/c @writebrainedny: https://twitter.com/#!/writebrainedny

http://www.BonnieTrachtenberg.com

Q. A few months ago, I separated from my husband of twenty years and we are in the midst of a terrible divorce. While I know I was right to get out of my relationship, on some level I still have many moments of self doubt. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, as he was verbally abusive to me and I saw the writing on the wall ten years ago. He’s been making my life and my daughters’ lives a living hell since I kicked him out and has stopped paying for everything (mortgage, car payments, bills, etc.) which is especially bad since I lost my job recently. So why am I feeling jealous of the fact he has a girlfriend and why is part of me wishing things could be the way they used to be?

A. First let me say that I’m truly sorry for the horrible situation in which you find yourself. Remember that many people have walked in your shoes and have not only survived it, but have become stronger and more enlightened people on the other end. It’s natural to feel jealous in a situation like this because you are feeling down and lonely and wondering how he can be off with someone new. But this is not the reality of the situation. The reality is that a man who has been that abusive to his wife and children is not going to suddenly become Prince Charming with somebody new. It’s just a matter of time before she figures him out and if she’s got her head screwed on right, she’ll kick him out of her life, too. If not, then at least he is her burden now. I can see that logically you know you did the right thing. It’s just a matter of time before your heart catches up and realizes what your head already figured out. To help this process along I have some suggestions.

1. Make a list of all the rotten things you recall that he’s done and said and leave nothing out. Sometimes it’s easy to forget how an ex has hurt you, but being cognizant of how he’s hurting his own children should be a constant reminder that he is unworthy of your love, your devotion—or your jealousy. Whenever you are feeling insecure, read the list over (several times if necessary.) It may make you angry and if it does, that’s a good thing. You should be angry!

2. Get busy with job hunting. Since you’ve lost your job, the situation seems even more daunting for you. Therefore, doing something productive like trying to secure a new position can only help your state of mind. Additionally, try to make some time for your hobbies and your passions. Many people lifting out of abusive relationships find that they’ve lost themselves along the way. Do the things you used to do that made you feel quintessentially yourself—the things that your ex most likely squelched over the years. Experiencing the joy that comes from these passions will help to heal you.

3. Find solace in close family and friends. Chances are the people around you have been more aware of what has gone on than you think. Find non-judgmental, loving friends or family to confide in. Some simple nurturing can work wonders. Tell them that you are finding yourself weak at times and would appreciate a pep talk when these episodes occur. Focus on your children and helping them get through this difficult time. If possible, seek assistance from a counselor or therapist. If you don’t have anyone in your life you feel you can confide in, join a support group of divorcing women. They will surely understand your plight.

4. Let the law be your friend. When you are dealing with an abusive ex, it’s best to let a lawyer do the talking for you. Keep your interactions with your ex down to a minimum, or better yet, disengage altogether. I realize that is hard when you have children, but the hurtful things he will be saying when he has your ear will only set you back and cause further destruction. Don’t give him the opportunity. Discuss your options with an attorney, and make sure your attorney is an attentive and effective one who comes highly recommended.

5. Always remember that however difficult things seem to be now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Going through the divorce may be hell, but when you are free from the albatross you’ll feel like you’re in heaven!

Of course there are many other factors that will play into this as you go along, but if you are feeling stronger, navigating them won’t be as overwhelming. When you fly on an airplane and the flight attendant tells you to fit your own mask over your face before helping others, there’s a reason. You need to be well and strong before you can assist those around you. The same is true here. Nurture and heal yourself and you’ll find you can make good decisions for yourself and your children. Always remember that you are on the right track now and heading into a much brighter future!

If you would like Bonnie to offer some advice on your personal relationship issue, contact her at loveahappyending.com@gmail.com

To find out more about Bonnie visit:

Author page: http://loveahappyending.com/bonnie-trachtenberg/

Author Website: http://www.bonnietrachtenberg.com/
Author Blog:  http://www.BonnieTrachtenberg.com/Bonnies-blog
Author Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/BonnieTrachtenberg
Novel Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/Wedlocked
Twitter A/c @writebrainedny: https://twitter.com/#!/writebrainedny

http://www.BonnieTrachtenberg.com

My Thoughts on Motherhood…

Most people consider it a perfectly logical progression—you get married, you have children. It’s just the way of the world. But what if you’re a maverick like me, and the thought of creating another life for which you will be forever responsible scares the living daylights out of you? To tell you the truth, I find it hard to believe I’m in the minority, but I am.

As a woman who has struggled with commitment issues in the past, I can’t say decision-making is my strong suit. So I could never make what I consider to be the ultimate commitment—having a baby—very easily. This is a territory from which there is no return. Let’s face it, you can’t divorce a child. You can’t pack a bag for them, say “sorry it didn’t work out,” and buy them a one-way ticket back to the womb.

But I watch other women and men jump, head first, into baby-making as if the result was going to be as fun, easy and carefree as the process. They don’t seem to agonize over the losses involved—like freedom for example. The freedom to go anywhere, do anything—sleep anytime. They don’t worry much about losing focus of their own dreams and pursuits because now those of their little one will come first. They don’t even panic about news stories that warn parents about pre-adolescent sex and drug use in schools and neighborhoods—not to mention guns and violence. Why is that? These are questions that have baffled me, even more than my ambivalence about having children has baffled those around me.

I must admit, I am not typical. I knew when I married my husband I could have had a child with him if my body allowed, but the thought still terrified me. The pressure was on. I was forty and the odds were stacked against me. But unlike many other women, my biological clock still hadn’t begun ticking. In fact, I think someone forgot to plug it in.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t like kids, I do—some. Just like I like some adults. But I’m not one of those women who automatically coos at the sight of a baby—any baby—and longs to hold and fuss over one. That seems to be the dream of so many women I know, but it was never mine. Some people who meet me are startled to hear that I’ve never yearned for a child. They see a warm, nurturing, protective and loving person and cannot understand what could possibly be “wrong” with me that I chose not to become a mother. Some chalk it up to rather insulting stereotypical explanations. It’s a sign of immaturity, of selfishness, of eccentricity. I’m considered “less than” the ideal model of a self-sacrificing, life-giving woman. But there’s a lot they do not understand.

I don’t feel the need to see a little version of myself running around in order to feel I’ve made my mark on the world. I give birth every time I write something close to my heart. I give life by adopting and sponsoring animals, a calling of mine. More important to me, is to love the souls that are already here on earth and who are in need of nurturing. There’s no narcissism at work there, only a deep need and desire to stop their pain and loneliness and bring happiness and love into their lives—hardly a selfish or immature endeavor.

My maternal instinct is alive and well, even if it is being channeled in a slightly unconventional way. Never was it more intact than the day I went to adopt my cat, Nikki. The moment I saw that tiny, helpless, furry face peering up at me, there were no questions to be answered. Love and motherhood took over and we were instantly a team. You couldn’t have pried that kitten out of my arms with a crowbar (and you wouldn’t have wanted to try!)

From the books and articles I’ve read and the people I’ve questioned, I’ve come to understand that this is very close to the feelings a woman has after giving birth. It isn’t all in the hormones! When you have a heart that is ready, willing and able to love—you have a mother. I’m told that I can’t understand it since I’ve never experienced it, and I accept that that may be true. Like any momentous life event, living through it is the best lesson. But although it’s clearly not my destiny to have a human child of my own, that doesn’t stop me from feeling complete as a person or a woman—and I hope I’ll always be treated with the same understanding and acceptance I afford to women who choose the road more travelled.

 If you would like Bonnie to offer some advice on your personal relationship issue, contact her at loveahappyending.com@gmail.com

To find out more about Bonnie visit:-

Author page: http://loveahappyending.com/bonnie-trachtenberg/

Author Website: http://www.bonnietrachtenberg.com/
Author Blog:  http://www.BonnieTrachtenberg.com/Bonnies-blog
Author Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/BonnieTrachtenberg
Novel Facebook Page: http://www.Facebook.com/Wedlocked
Twitter A/c @writebrainedny: https://twitter.com/#!/writebrainedny